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I was reading the Daily Mail online, yesterday, since it saves you paying 80p for the paper. Presumably it's a brilliant scheme to make money, but I haven't figured out how it works yet.
One of the main talking points was that lots and lots of people are outraged that they may have to submit to a physical search at airports before being allowed to board a plane. They'd rather not have a stranger's hands go anywhere near their private parts, preferring instead to run the risk of being blown out of the sky by a terrorist bomb.
I think there's a very easy solution to this, which will allow people to choose how they want to be treated. There should be two gateways to two separate aircraft. Over the first it would say "No, I do not wish to be searched, and am quite happy to go onto a plane that may be carrying terrorist bombs."
The second would say "Please search me, and make sure you search everyone else going on my plane, particularly those dodgy looking Muslims over there, because I don't wish to be blown up in mid-air.
That way, people who prefer to be safe can take all appropriate measures to stay so. Whereas the others, who find personal searches such a nuisance, can get onto the same plane as the Muslim terrorists and get blown to hell. Which would be fine by me, because they're too stupid to live, anyway.

Wayne Rooney: Triumph over adversity

A true story of triumph over adversity. Mr Potato Head, a poorly educated, wannabee chav of whom prostitutes charge an ugly tax, gets £200,000 a week for kicking a ball around - and not very skilfully at that, according to the World Cup results.
I just hope he shares what's left of his fortune, after deducting, fags, booze and prostitutes, with the bloke who has to tie his bootlaces for him.

But what an inspiring story for other sink-estate kids who are uglier than a bagful of arseholes, as thick as pig-shit and have no hope for the future. If they can just kick a ball about a bit, they could become the next Wayne Rooney.

Alan Johnson Economics genius at work

Shadow Chancellor Alan Johnson, the man who admits he knows nothing about economics has been tearing into the economic plans of  the Conservative/Liberal Alliance, ahead of them being published.
He criticises the Alliance tactic of seeking out the waste of taxpayer money and cutting it. He has a better plan: To raise taxes. Presumably so that even more of our money can be wasted.
Sheer genius.

Unemployment Benefit - it's not for me.

I filled in an on-line application for Jobseeker allowance last week, and today was my interview.
The lady asked me how much Company Pension I received, so I showed her my last statement. She reeled back as if struck by an iron bar. "Oh no", she said, "You receive far too much to be considered for any benefit." And then added: "Didn't anyone tell you before you came?"
Clearly not, or I could have had another hour in bed.
Anyway, I thought I made it quite clear on my application form, where I was coming from. In response to "Why are you claiming benefit?" I wrote: "Because I'm fed up of reading about all these idle, work-shy, good-for-nothing tossers who get huge benefits and have never done a day's work in their lives. And it's time I got some."

Atheist to send son to Catholic School!

Atheist Nick Clegg is to send his son to a top Catholic School, and the newspapers are apoplectic with "shock, horror" condemnation.
Nick Clegg's wife is Portuguese, and a Catholic. So presumably she would want to send her son to a top Catholic School, wouldn't she?

When is "Real 3D" not real 3D?

Never, actually.
"Real 3D is the technical process of taking films shot in normal 2D and technically converting them to look like 3D; a process doomed to failure. Basically it is like Decoupage: You take a flat picture, cut out bits of it, and arrange the bits at different distances from the background, to create an illusion of depth.
That's what they did with ALICE IN WONDERLAND, CLASH OF THE TITANS, and now the latest HARRY POTTER, which they are now not going to release in Decoupage 3D just yet, because they haven't finished cutting out all the bits.
Decoupage 3D looks dreadful. Characters and objects are placed at different distances, but the characters and objects are still flat, like cardboard cutouts. This type of 3D will turn audiences against the whole idea of 3D; even though movies actually shot in 3D, like AVATAR, are breathtakingly beautiful to watch.

The only way to make 3D movies is to shoot them in 3D in the first place.
Anything else is arrogant nonsense.

Holly Willoughby decapitated

According to Ceefax, Holly Willoughby was found decapitated in a park!

Oh sorry, got my glasses now: It was "A Wallaby".

Alan Johnson, Shadow Chancellor

So Alan Johnson, a man who admits he knows nothing about economics, is the new shadow chancellor. Even now he must be at W H Smith buying the Ladybird Guide to Economics, and Economics for Dummies.

The one thing he does know how to do, is to carp at anything the Con-Lib Alliance is doing. So his first statement is that Alliance cuts will damage the economy. To which we reply: What the fuck do you know about economics, Dude?

NICE

What a wonderful acronym N.I.C.E. In case you don't know, it stands for Nasty, Inconsiderate, Cruel Executioners. It's the Health Quango that decides against giving cancer drugs to help prolong people's lives, but is quite happy to fund liposuction for fat useless blobs who haven't the self control or the wit to realise that they are fat because they stuff so much junk into their stomachs.
This is definitely one gross, overweight, overpaid Quango that needs a bullet in the back of its head, before it's own moronically senseless cancer eats any further into its collective brain.

THE ECONOMY and SPACESHIP EARTH

What part of "There is no money in the Treasury, and we're paying enormous interest on our debts" do people not yet understand?

Apparently, people who earn £40,000 a year still get child benefit. And they're whingeing because they are going to lose it.

I didn't realise that I was paying people who earn more than me to have children. Surely you have children if you can afford them?

People should be taxed for having children; the World is grossly overpopulated as it is, and each extra child is a further drain on the World's resources.
The World may cease to be considered overpopulated when starvation and poverty are eradicated.
And that ain't going to happen anytime soon.

Has no-one heard of Spaceship Earth?
It was as big a concept in the 60s as Global warming is now.
The principle is that Earth is like a large spaceship, and one day all the supplies will run out. The larger the crew, the faster that will happen.
It's a better concept than Global Warming because it is demonstrably true.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.

CONFUCIUS he say...

Sony encryption keys are like a wasp infestation of the rectum. Do not expect to sit down and enjoy your BluRay.

PEARL HARBOR all over again

Nothing against the Japanese, per se; I love Kurosawa movies, am fond of Godzilla, and I did study the Way of the Samurai, but Sony - Damn them.
Last night I settled down to watch CONFUCIUS on my Sony PS3 BluRay player. But it wouldn't play because I needed an encryption update. So I had to go on the net to find out what that meant - and the SONY site isn't that helpful about it. Eventually I discovered that I had to download a system update, and then put it on a memory stick in a certain arcane folder-within-folder manner.
Then I made the mistake of leaving the room to let it get on with it, and clearly I should have stayed, because it asked me a question about HDMI connection, and when I didn't answer, it timed out.
So when I came back, the screen was blank and the PS3 was off, and the movie still wouldn't play.
An hour later after several resets, I finally got it sorted, but I didn't watch the movie because my inner calm had been shattered.
So I got in my flight simulator and bombed Japan. That'll teach them.